Product versus Process

While trolling through some notes on book and article publishing, I discovered an old book recommendation for junior faculty: Wendy Belcher's Writing Your Journal Article in 12 Weeks (the intro and first chapter are available as free samples from the publisher's website).  I ordered it from our library and printed out the samples and have been working through it ever since.  It's tempting to think of oneself as above "how-to" guides, but frankly, I'm not that unique nor the exception to the rule.  This is a recurring theme in my life these days: I'm not so different from everyone else, and that's just fine.

The most powerful epiphany I've had so far came from an exercise where you scribble down the emotions you have about writing.  I immediately separated those emotions into two categories: the writing I do for my job and the writing I do for myself.  Writing for the job elicited a host of negative feelings like guilt, burden, isolated, paralyzed, inadequate; writing for myself, however, turned words like joy, freedom, silliness, eagerness.  Why such a difference?  Clearly, I like to write, so why does it all turn so sour when I think of writing in my area of most intense study?

I realized that what sabotaged my professional writing was my preoccupation with the product.  Rather than enjoying the process, I was plagued by fears about the outcome.  Would it be publishable? In the right places? Will it "count" for promotion? Will it undermine publishing my book (currently on hold)?  When I write for myself, I am at leisure, enjoying just rolling words around the page, crafting them (at least a little bit), making jokes.  I am unhurried and free.  Nothing constrains my choice of subject, my length, or my quality.  I can just write, and delight in it.

To bridge this gap, I have decided to stop obsessing about what's "best" to publish, and just focus on what I'd enjoy writing up.  I will pray to be faithful and truth-loving in my process, and pray that God would make the product glorifying to Himself, regardless of what it does for me.  I know I cannot control outcomes in the lives of my students or my family; now I realize that I cannot do so for writing either, no matter how much it seems that it is I alone who make this product.